“The Real Middle Class of Long Island – Yo!”

Couple sitting at dining room table going over bills…

Wife: Ok, so the electric company is going to shut us off by the 18th if we don’t send them $100.00.

Husband: Ok, send them $100.00.

Wife: Then each of us has to cut off an arm or a leg to pay for our health insurance…do you want to keep both of your arms or both of your legs?

Husband: Hmm…that’s a tough one I’ll have to get back to you on that…hopefully we get paid before that check clears.

Wife: Ok next, we need to put some money aside for our vacation fund.

Husband and wife look at each other and crack up..

Husband: Ok, be serious now.

Wife: A girl’s gotta dream, ok, ok back to reality…who do we owe next?

(Find me on Twitter @JennGDonohue)

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Calling All Serious Actors

(Disclaimer: First, this is not for the kiddies due to some mature subject matter. This is my spoof on reality shows. I stand by everything I wrote, however if someday the reality TV devil comes knocking on my door and wants to pay me a salary to follow me around with cameras, I take it all back! LOL…Hope you enjoy!)

Are you a struggling actor? Then you’ll want to listen to this amazing opportunity. Are you suffering from posttraumatic acting class syndrome? Did you endure hours of acting class only to be passed up by the latest “reality star” or sex tape of the week? Have you gone on endless auditions and time consuming open calls, when all your acting teacher had to do was point you in the direction of selling your soul? Well you’ve come to the right place. Are you sick and tired of hearing about these so called “celebrities” who know absolutely nothing about acting or the business of acting, passing you right by, raking in the money and becoming famous overnight? Meanwhile you’ve been trying to take the legit route, learning your craft? You slept with a famous athlete? Come on over and be a correspondent for our entertainment show! You keep Trojan in business with your irresponsible sexual promiscuity, we love you! Want to really make a name for yourself? Crash a dinner at the White House, who needs an invite? And we’ll reward you for it! As a matter of fact, we’ve also got a book deal with your name all over it! Speaking of book deals, how would you like to get paid more than Nobel prize winning authors for speaking at colleges? If hearing all of this makes you sick like an animal and you’re about to throw in the towel, call us first! At Fame Whores, I mean Fame Seekers, have we got the solution for you! Your misguided acting teachers have steered you wrong. Learning the tools of “the biz” is so last year. We’ve got the right method for you. We’ll help you realize your true calling and put you on that fast track to fame and fortune. Forget about skill, maybe your real talent is getting sloppy drunk in public, throwing furniture or sleeping with a celebrity, athlete or elected official, maybe you’ll make a sex tape and“accidentally” leak it onto YouTube …oopsie…Ask yourself these questions, do you enjoy going to foreign countries and insulting them with your lack of culture? Would you like to set back your gender, nationality or home state by your lack of manners or basic decency? If you have a pulse, then call us now and talk to one of our certified fame consultants. They’ll help you reach your dream for the teensy price of your soul. So actors if you’re tired of learning your “craft”, tired of those open casting calls and standing on line with 100’s of other suckers only to be told no, let us represent you. We’ll put you on that fast track to infamy. If you have no talent, no self esteem or morals for that matter, then you’re the client for us! Don’t delay, call us now!

(Find me on Twitter @JennGDonohue)

Health Insurance Company “Job Listing”

Disclaimer: The health insurance companies had this one coming. Please note that this is not about insurance brokers or anyone who works for an insurance company (unless you’re the CEO) who are just trying to do their jobs. I have a great insurance broker who is smart and caring. This is directed towards “the man” aka the top executives of these companies, the ones who make all of the crappy rules like “preexisting condition” clauses and other wonderful things like that which make it difficult and sometimes impossible for people to get healthcare in our country. This is a very sarcastic “job listing” for health insurance company CEO’s. I wrote this after much stress and aggravation given to me by various insurance co’s (for example being told they didn’t cover my chemotherapy when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2009, getting four preexisting condition letters in a four week time span, which meant I had to fill out the same form four times in a row & hope that the “powers that be” would approve the dr. visits I had, even after I waited the amount of time told to me by them in order not to have to deal with the preexisting condition clause, things like that). If you’ve ever had any issues with a health insurance company, I hope you enjoy this!
“Calling All Entrepreneurs”
I’m about to present an amazing business opportunity that you won’t want to miss!
Here’s a riddle: What kind of business can you run where you can chargepeople for your services or product, take their money and then decide later on whether or not you actually want to give them the service or product that they already paid for? And here’s the kicker, if you don’t want to provide the service or product you don’t have to give them their money back!
What kind of business can you run where you basically decide if someone lives or dies based on whether or not you provide your service? Sounds like organized crime you say? Oh no it’s much worse than organized crime, it’s the health insurance industry in America! Hmm, come to think of it, it’s one of the biggest organized crime rings in America!
Found a lump that you want to get checked out but can’t even afford the co-pay? Go ahead and ignore it because we’d tell you that we don’t cover the chemotherapy anyway for the very treatable cancer that you just found. Better keep sending us your money though because if we have to drop you and you’re under the age of 19, good luck ducking that preexisting condition clause with your new insurance company. No matter how you slice it, you’re screwed!
We’re looking for fat cat CEO’s in the making who want to make all of the rules and want to take hard working people’s money. Compassionate people need not apply. We really don’t care about people’s health, we really care about how big our wallets are. We’re looking for go-getters who have no regard for other people’s health and well being because bottom line other people’s health and well being aren’t good for our bottom line.
Are you sadistic? It’s ok, you can admit it, it’s fun to make sick people squirm and what better way is there to make them squirm than to deny them their health insurance? Is there a black hole where your heart is supposed to be? Are you lacking empathy, sympathy and compassion, then you’d be a perfect CEO for the health insurance industry! Don’t delay, call us now!

(Find me on Twitter @JennGDonohue)

Random Hair

(This is an excerpt from a book I’m writing called “Cancer, With a Twist”)

Random Hair. You ladies know what I’m talking about. You don’t have to admit that you get them, it will be our secret, but you know what I’m talking about. Men have them too, but for them it’s another hair they’re proud to have. For us ladies the random hair is slightly traumatic. You know the one, where you look in the mirror and the light hits it just right. It catches your eye and all of a sudden you see a hair that has to be at least half an inch long sticking out of your neck! (or pick another embarrassing point on your face that people can see). You do the double take in the mirror and as you look closer to inspect the offending hair your first thought is “Holy crap, where did that thing come from? It’s huge!” Then you think “Holy crap, how do these things grow so fast overnight?” and finally you think “Holy crap, who else saw it before I did???” Now here’s how I know that God (or whatever you believe in or don’t believe in for that matter) has a sense of humor. When I went through chemotherapy and my left eyebrow was half gone (or half there in keeping with the glass half full theory), my eyelashes were falling out and the hair on my head was jumping ship, that friggin random hair would still rear its ugly little head! No joke. I was like “really God, seriously???” All I have left to say is…I love my tweezers.

(Find me on Twitter @JennGDonohue)